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Fatty Lumpkins

This is a blog about a fat person doing things.
Jan 13 '13


As a fat person I am supposed to never, ever admit to eating anything that isn’t green and leafy. In fact, the brand name of the leafy greens I am eating should be LOW FAT NO CARB NEGATIVE CAL GREEN LEAVES. They should be wafer thin slices of air dyed green. I should eat them where no one can see me. I should eat them in the dark.

As a grown adult who earn a paycheck and buys his own food I can and do eat whatever I feel like eating whenever I can afford to buy it. This includes salads, and also pizza.

Thanks to Buzzfeed I stumbled across the food blog THE KITCHN and learned a long known to everyone except me concept of SALAD IN A JAR. I was, of course, instantly consumed by the concept of purchasing mason jars and shoving every plant in a five mile radius inside them.



  • 6 Mason Jars (12 for $8 at Wal-Mart)
  • Two bags of salad blend, your choice (2/$4 at Publix)
  • Alfalfa sprouts ($1.89 at Publix)
  • 4 large tomatoes ($2.50, $1.49/lb at Publix)
  • Yellow squash ($1.79 at Publix)
  • Bag of six salad peppers ($3.99 at Publix)
  • Balsamic vinaigrette ($2.00 at Publix)
  • Boboli pizza crust ($4 for a package of 2 at Publix)
  • Pizza sauce ($2 at Publix)
  • Mozarella and cheddar cheese (2 for $5 at Publix)

This made me six salads and one pizza, with enough vegetables left over for probably two more salads and one more pizza. There are no steps. There is only one rule for salad in a jar, and that rule is WET ON THE BOTTOM and DRY ON THE TOP.

From top to bottom, as you can see, here is how I stacked my JAR SALAD: dressing, tomatoes, a layer of squash slices and some chopped squash, peppers, sprouts, cheese, and greens.

I bought a bag of ‘American’ greens (romaine, iceberg, carrots, radishes, and red cabbage) and ‘spring mix’ (spinach, arugula, some purple stuff) and mixed them together. It was thrilling. 

For the pizza, I preheated the oven to 450F, put some sauce on the pizza crust, and just put the leftovers from each layer on the pizza. I cooked it for fifteen minutes, and it was INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS. Next time I will probably buy some pepperoni. 

Today I feel like eating PIZZA and SALAD OUT OF MASON JARS. And that is today’s story about me, a fat person, eating whatever I feel like.